“I’m in love with you. I always have been. I thought you were the unfair one, but it was unfair of me not to say it. So I’ve said it. I was nothing. I felt like nothing. Less than. You changed that.”- George Zinavoy, The Art of Getting By (2011)
Repressed emotions are terrible. Plain and simple. You go throughout life pushing your feelings down and then one day, they pop up again when you least expect them to. It’s the worst when those feelings are for someone in particular. Maybe an old crush who is still your friend? Your first love? Or maybe, it is someone who has passed away. Regardless of who pops up, it is still the most painful thing to ever experience.
There is this person. He has been with me through thick and thin, seen me at my worst, seen me at my best, read my long messages and dealt with all the emotions I go through in one day. He is so incredibly charming, his existence is hard to fathom at all times. He carries an air of mystery around him and I can never tell what he is thinking. He means the world to me. He always has and always will. He has helped me become who I am today.
People ask me if I’ve ever loved anyone before, I say no. I refuse to acknowledge whatever it is that goes on in my head. I say it’s because I don’t know what love is. I don’t know how to tell if I’m in love. But I do know it is the purest and truest thing one can ever experience. Even though everyone knows that it is near to impossible to forget your first love, I thought it was possible. Hell, I thought I had done it. Yes, I still speak to him, I still confide in him, I bring him up to people and call him ‘a dear friend’ but I didn’t expect repressed feelings to sneak up on me.
I dreamt about him after a long time. It wasn’t anything too special or explicit, just something as innocent as a hug. But it drove me insane. When I woke up, I could still feel his arms around me. But I still felt him around me throughout the day. My thoughts drove me insane and I couldn’t get his pale face out of my head. I couldn’t get that dream out of my head. The dream in which he wore a white shirt that made him look paler than he is, black skinny jeans and black shoes. His hair was disheveled, his lips were redder than normal and he wore dog tags around his neck. Completely uncharacteristic but beautiful. Everything about that situation was beautiful.
When I told my best-friend about this, she told me I still feel something for him. I said it was nonsense and moved on with my day. It is now nighttime and I can’t get him out of my head. I realised that I repressed everything so well that I thought that I had moved on. I know I won’t get out of my habit, I know I will still message him every day saying “I’m absolutely dandy, peachy keen even” but I’ll still push down and avoid my feelings like the plague. I’ll still put myself in a situation where I’m not entirely happy but it won’t matter because at the end of the day, how will I ever know what I truly want when I can’t even come to terms with my own feelings?
I can’t deal with my feelings, I never have been able to. I laugh at death, I cry when something beautiful happens and I run away from commitment like it’s my job. I’m happy for my first love and I don’t want him to be mine but I still think about him. I’m scared about the future but I’m more than ready to get out of this place. It’s so skewed and I’m falling apart. I’m lost in a maze of repressed emotions and even though I’m surrounded by people, I still feel pathetic. I don’t want pity, I don’t want anyone to tell me that it’s okay, it happens. In all honesty, I’m not sure what I want or why I am writing this.
I think the problem is that I fall in love with the idea of people and the idea of things a little too fast and I cling on to it for dear life. Maybe that’s it. God alone knows how I’m going to get out of it. God alone knows if I’m ever going to stop swallowing my feelings. But hey! Eventually still exists right? I like to believe it still does.